Christmas Special
Merriment and the 2023 True Jock Agony Awards
Like most children, I was unemployed. This financial strain and a December birthday meant that I had to wait all year to get the things I wanted and preparations always started early. The earliest I can remember starting a Christmas list was probably August which is an interminable wait for a 12 year old but this is all I had. My life revolved around Christmas.
The general rule was the tree went up on my birthday, December 11th. I’d get gifts on my birthday, obviously, but the big ticket items were always reserved for Christmas. These two weeks were typically where I’d lock in and get weird.
Before I went to bed I would go sit in the living room alone and stare at the tree in total silence for an extended period of time. It was a focused meditation on Christmas. There were important Christmas questions that needed to be answered and I would take this time to imagine the day, what it would be like, and how I would feel. On Christmas Day I will become transformed. I will become someone who owns Metal Gear Solid 2, or combat boots for some reason.
This continued into my teen years but the older you get the more you become aware of exactly what you’ll be getting because you were very specific. You wrote down “Zildjian A Custom hi-hats” and there is no ambiguity. It’s just a matter of waiting to open a box with those inside and feeling more relief than surprise. You’ll never convince a 15 year old that this is life bereft of joy and runs totally contrary to the spirit of the holiday, but knowing that to be true runs contrary to the spirit of being 15. I imagine Christmas is when a lot of parents will feel truly alienated from their kids for the first time. People that hate Christmas usually feel that way because of some type of Christmas-specific emotional devastation at some point in their life.
My late teens and early 20s were probably the worst and least memorable of my life. I was broke, my family had moved to Florida. It just didn’t mean much to me for a while and when I got tired of the holidays feeling like an inconvenience I decided to try to take them over by sheer force of will. Our extended family was overdue for a power struggle anyway.
Last Christmas was sensational. My mother and I put together dinner for everyone and spent all of Christmas Eve prepping. It’s something I always wanted to do and because of money or timing it hadn’t come together. We text each other menu ideas back and forth the week before. Everything got a great reaction. This year was going to be an attempt to run that back, but plans change quickly.
In October my sister lost her pregnancy after seven months to preeclampsia and within a week a blood clot in her heart got her airlifted to University of Pennsylvania for an emergency open heart surgery. She probably should have died. She was feeling dizzy and told my mom she just didn’t know what was normal and my mom told her nothing is normal anymore and she should go to the hospital. The clot disintegrated during surgery, and I try not to think too hard about what life would be like if she tried to wait it out.
Eight days later my grandfather died, so we sort of limped into Christmas as a family this year. Factor in a mostly remote office job where December is your busy season and it all sneaks up on you.
I hardly have any gifts for anyone but I did get to do a bit of shopping Thursday and Friday just picking up some bags of coffee and babkas to take back and distribute in New Jersey. A few years ago I started drawing my own Christmas cards and handwriting very personal, oftentimes completely overwrought messages to friends and family. I haven’t kept this up which has become another source of guilt.
Despite all of this, I am home with my family and we’ll be cooking. All the pressure in the build up dissipates and I’m just doing things I love with people I love. My mom and I will go to Wegman’s and cook meatballs and coq au vin(it hasn’t been decided which will be dinner). My dad and I will make cocktails and watch football. My sister and her husband will come over for a bit of all those things. I’m hoping we get a drop in from my aunt and uncle, but we’ll see.
Traditions are lovely but I don’t think it’s too fatalistic to acknowledge that these things cannot continue as they are forever. That’s encouragement to be adaptable. What this holiday is and what I’ve wanted it to be has been changing my entire life. While external factors always play their part, it’s what you make it. I’ve always hated hearing that but it’s become undeniable over time.
WHAT WENT WELL? WHAT WAS TRASH?
It’s the 2023 True Jock Agony Awards for my personal best and worst workouts, items, supplements, and general concepts. We learned a lot this year and spent a lot of time and money doing it, so it’s important to take stock of what was truly worth it.
I have no idea of when these products were released, so me becoming aware of it in 2023 qualifies it for the 2023 list.
Products of the Year
Best Purchase of the Year - Nike Trail Lava Loops Half Tights
Couldn’t be happier with these. My insistence on having the second largest and heaviest cell phone commercially available means that I need a pair of shorts that will hold that phone in place. A lot of companies make half tights and a lot of them don’t bother with a sufficiently large phone pocket. I didn’t run cross country in high school, I’m not used to doing this in silence and I need the phone for podcasts.
Say what you’d like about Nike but they did a great job here. These have eight pockets. The side pocket fits an iPhone 14 Pro Max and on the opposite side? An identically sized pocket. I fit four gels in that pocket during the Staten Island Half. I’d buy five more pairs.
Nutrition Product of the Year (Gel) - Neversecond C30 Energy Gel
Neversecond has it figured out. A lot of gels will give you the carbs you need and it’s really a matter of personal preference but flavor and ease of use here is ideal for me. The citrus, berry, and espresso if you want a caffeinated option are all great. They just redid the packaging so they’re easier to open though I haven’t actually tried that yet.
It’s hard to frame this as a flattering term, but C30 is runny. You really just drink it. Others are more like a cake icing consistency or the more Jello like Maurten. The C30 is effortless which is ideal when you’re trying to take it without slowing down.
Nutrition Product of the Year (Powder) - LMNT Electrolyte Drink Mix
It was a tough call here between this and the Maurten 160. I’ve had sensational results with the Maurten but a high carb drink mix isn’t necessity and it doesn’t taste very good. It’s kind of like pasta water. LMNT tastes great and is useful anytime you’re dehydrated.
1000mg of sodium is probably too much if you’re just sitting around but if you sweat a lot it’s perfect. I’ve used it as hangover recovery and I feel like that works even if just as a placebo. It’s the Serious Athlete version of Liquid IV(which is also good and got me through a three day long bachelor party)
Workouts of the Year
Worst Run of the Year - July 15, 2023
I started walking for the first time at 3K and stopped to walk a total of five times. It’s hard to say exactly what went wrong here but let’s say a combination of diet, sleep, nutrition, and overall fitness.
This was the impetus to get serious about running. Up to this point I was still just doing the “Every run faster and longer than before” thing which does not produce results. Call that a blessing in disguise if you want but I absolutely hated this and it ruined my day.
Hardest Workout of the Year - 7/28/23
I got my ass beat so bad out in Western Pennsylvania. I’m aware that America exists outside of the east coast and that many areas out this country and even the rest of the world are mountainous, but I have not encountered hills like this before.
Strava says it was only 644 feet of elevation but the hills are sudden and steep. At one point it’s a 14.3% incline. This was pr
obably exacerbated by being alone in the woods in a strange place. The humidy was suffocating. I’d love to do it again. New York doesn’t have tests like this.
Run of the Year - 9/30/23
Hard to choose something that isn’t the half marathon but I’ve chosen a run that let me know I’d have no problem running that race. This was titled “Zero Self Control” on Strava because it was eight days out from the race and I really didn’t need to push this hard.
I couldn’t help myself. This was probably as fast and as strong as I felt at any point this year. Those numbers aren’t setting any records but I would love to get back to this point and if I can run the Manhattan 10K at this intensity on February 4th I’ll be thrilled.
Strava Activity of the Year - 6/19/23
It can only be the 50K(just nearly!) Citi Bike ride around the Central Park loop. I’d been building to something like this and really, really wanted to do something stupid. People have done longer rides on Citi Bikes and this doesn’t rank in the top one million longest rides taken in 2023, but I loved the grind of it all.
I thought I was going to throw up multiple times. I took three water bottles and it was barely enough. There were plans to do a 50 mile ride but then half marathon prep started and I lost focus. Will that happen in 2024? No reason it cannot. Consistentcy allows you to have fun with things, so if I can stay focused and motivated I can do all the stupid shit I want.
Merry Christmas everyone thanks for reading Year 1 of all my thoughts on the fascist blogging platform. I’m not promising anything big for next year because I genuinely have no plans, but I think I’ll get some idea.
