The Bitch Is Back
They added a running channel on Slack at work
Things haven’t been great recently. We came into the year with very lofty goals and shin splints, followed shortly thereafter by a very annoying calf strain, has absolutely fucked me. What have we truly lost here but six weeks of running? We’ll never know. I could be running 4:45 miles right now. I could have visible abs.
The calf strain was total shit. I’m trying to run 1000 miles this year which means averaging 20 miles a week. After the shin splints I had worked my way back up to about 20 miles a week and really felt the need to push it about a month ago. I was supposed to run some NYRR 4 mile race in Central Park and I just didn’t want to because truly who cares? I messed up with the 9+1 by signing up for a bunch of cheap nonsense filler races. It’s a fake distance, the bib looked terrible, it was going to be cold. I decided to go to the bar the night before instead.
I’d signed up for 10 races and knew I had one to burn if I needed and decided to do so in the dumbest way possible. Still, I felt like I needed to make up for it in some way by going out to run that afternoon instead. I was tired and hungover and dehydrated and knew I needed 6 miles to get 20 for the week. I went out slow, no problem, and maybe around 4 miles I feel my calf suddenly, violently spasm. It felt like a rope being pulled taught for just a second and just like anyone else who has heard the term “Listen to your body” 1000 times I decided to keep going. It happened three more times but I made it. Incredible work. Nice job.
Monday and Tuesday it felt tight but whatever. Not a big deal. Wednesday I use the foam roller and Thursday morning I can barely walk. I’m not a physical therapist. I make no claims to understand the human body but you have to be fucking kidding me with this.
Not that I had been invited, but this happened eight days prior to the Boston Marathon. This is relevant because the Thursday following Boston our weekly all hands was hosted by someone wearing his jacket from the marathon and I watched the whole comment section of the video talk about how incredible and impressive it was while I am limping around with my still sore to the touch calf. This prompted a groundswell running movement and someone right then and there created a running slack channel that near instantly had 50+ members.
I am not a child. I am not delusional. I know that running or fitness cannot be “my thing” and especially not in a company of over 1000 people in New York City. If you’re just okay at something very popular that literally millions of people did competitively in high school and college, you aren’t going to be The One even in this relatively small pond. I do not need to be the best, but I would like to believe that people who are head and shoulders better than me have advantages like being an actual professional or someone in running media that has time on their hands that I do not. Seeing that I work with these people forces me to reckon with my own shortcomings in a way that I don’t care to.
The slack channel is killing me. Eveyone is really positive and supportive and it’s just not what I relate to at all but they seem to love it. You see people sharing advice and talking about things like “It’s supposed to be fun” and “Comparison is a thief of joy” and I really do think that’s fine for other people but without the rage element it doesn’t work for me.
We all want the same things but it’s about the framing. I feel that the path I’ve chosen to achieve my goals is unrelateable because I find a lot of motivation in the language of violence and self harm. The band Drain has a song called FYS (KYS) and it ends with the following -
Find the strength
And kill yourself
Rеinvent the new you
Find thе strength
And kill all the parts
That you don’t love
I am not trying to live my best life I’m trying to inflict pain on someone who deserves it. To reassure you, I am in threrapy, but consider the power of actually transforming your body. I don’t see it as becoming a better version of myself, I see it as outright replacing that person. The you that you see that is stronger, faster, leaner, bigger is physicial evidence that the person who couldn’t be that is gone. When you’re encouraged to not be too hard on yourself and “give yourself grace” which has become the new horrible thing everyone on reality shows has chosen to say following arguments, you’re leaving the door open for that person to come back. “That’s okay, we’ll get ‘em tomorrow” lacks the focus of “This can NEVER happen again.”
This all sounds like David Goggins stuff even though I hate him. I think it’s for the same reason that weird girls don’t like being compared to Sarah Squirm. Someone more famous than you has a similar bit and you’re resentful. A tale as old as time.
My injury is mostly healed and I got nearly five hours of workouts in this week which borders on a part time job. I need to stretch though. If I don’t get 30-45 minutes of stretching in before bed this is all for nothing.